When you’re not the one to leave

The thing is, I’m to use to changes, it has never bothered me to change geographical spaces, from small things like changing schools or moving houses to move to another city or even to another country, I’ve never felt like I left something behind, I’ve always felt that it’s me the one that’s going away, and it’s ok, the few friends I made and keep in different parts of the world, over the years, I cherish them with all my heart and they understand that even if we don’t speak on regular basis, they are always on my mind, I don’t have them close, yet I have them deep in my heart, and it has always worked like that; I said good-bye, came back to visit every time I could and I’ve never felt alone, abandoned or empty, until a couple days ago, that feel like ages, were I found myself on the other side of the situation, I found that who had to stay this time, was me, that who had to deal with distance this time, was me, that who had to deal with the empty spaces that these people left, was me, and overall, I found that it was me, the one that had to deal with the day to day routine that I was already used to, but this time, on my own, just with myself, whom by the way I fear deeply, I still don’t feel complety comfortable being on my own for long periods of time.

I found myself not only dealing with the lack of a friend that I was used to seeing and talking to for 24 hours 7 days a week but also with my breakup with a wonderful human being and the flood of thoughts and unsaid feelings that came with it;  In a matter of one week it felt like my world was collapsing, it is hard enough when one of your biggest pillars, when you are away from home, has to go away, now imagine losing the two of them days apart from each other. All this leading me to think how strong are the relationships that we develop when we are away, away from our comfort zone, alone with ourselves and our illusions of growing an learning, how strong and fruitful are the relationships that we develop when we find ourselves with someone in a similar situation to ours, how hard it is when we depend so much on someone that in the moment they leave we feel lost and aimlessly.

I’ve always liked to think about myself as an independent person, I like to be on my own but it is always better to know there’s someone out there to share my thoughts with instead of letting them eat me from the inside. I’m not gonna lie, I spent some rather difficult days in which I could feel my body in pain and even getting out of bed meant an almost impossible challenge to fulfill, even now that I can write this to all of you and to myself, and can speak about it almost without feeling my heart being squeezzed doesn’t mean I’m over it, but I am truly convinced that this is a big step  toward feeling okay with it, feeling okay with myself, a big step towards accepting that I need to share more with myself, get to know me a little bit better until I feel truly and completely comfortable with me and who I am, towards loving me more, and that even if people come and go I must feel centain that I will always have me, because even though the people that left this time are going to remain with me one way or another, it’s not always going to be like that and I need to make sure I’m strong enough to accept that, this is life and sometimes a good-bye truly means forever but I also need to stay hopeful because some other times a good-bye can also mean see you soon, until next time, see you tomorrow; Because when nothing is certain, everything is possible.

Anyway, my point in all of this is that it doesn’t matter how difficult the situation might look like, there’s always something good that comes from there, in my case, despite the saddness and the hugh amount of work it’s been taking me to wrap my head around it and adapt to it and the new people that are sorrouding me, I am eternally gratefull, for the people that came into my life after and for the people that left, I am gratefull for those two amazing human beings I crossed paths with, I am grateful to them for everything I’ve learned and lived along the way and I became conscious that I should focus my energy on being happy for them, because them leaving didn’t mean they wanted to leave me, they left to follow their dreams, to accomplish goals and to grow and be better persons and from the bottom of my heart I wish them the best, because they deserve it.

So, always focus your energy on good thoughts, be happy for you and for them, make sure you are full mentally, physically and emotionally so when more people come around you can do nothing but receive the good from them and give them good back; There’s always something good about everything that happens to us, everything that happens, happens for something, everything goes away and everything changes. This too shall pass.

Chris.

P.S: Thank you so much for understanding if this post has no head or toes but I’m still trying to wrap my thoughts and soul around this and I just wanted to write something about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been thinking in the past days.

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